Deludia

The Odd Channel

I was imagining what it would be like if my body had a television host to describe what was going on with me. I gave thought to releasing Les Stroud, the Survivorman, into my digestive tract to describe the adventure of getting out. I rejected it though because I’m never sure what Les will try to eat next. Both he and Bear Grylls seem to have a penchant for popping anything remotely edible into their mouths and swallowing. While I’m sure that’s probably the way to do things in the bush, I really would prefer not to be eaten from the inside out. Actually, that’s already what Multiple Myeloma is doing to me, so why push it?

I thought about turning things over to Mike Rowe, the voice behind Wild Pacific, Deadliest Catch, and of course, his own Dirty Jobs. But I was worried that a typo might get him thinking about the Deadliest Cath, and that just made me shudder. So much for the current spokesman for Ford Motors.

Sigourney Weaver, the soothing descriptor of Planet Earth came to mind, but she’s been in way too many Alien movies and I really don’t want her bursting through my chest in a spray of gore. Oprah maybe? She did excellent work with Life, the continuation of the BBC Planet Earth series. I concluded that she’d just call in Dr. Phil since things had a medical flavor. I’m sorry, but I don’t think I could handle a bunch of down home platitudes interrupted by commercials.

Well, what about James Earl Jones? His voice has lent a certain dignity and authority to many subjects. But really, who wants to get into some sort of relationship with Darth Vader. The next thing you know, some annoying robot would be wheeling through my colon making beeps and whirs. I have enough trouble getting to sleep that I don’t need this.

I realized after a while, that nobody would be a good choice. I wouldn’t be comfortable about any of it. In doing that, I realized that I had an ability that literally thousands of film producers and directors don’t have. I have the ability to decide against a production. I know this is true, and so do you. I’m sure you’ve seen movies before so tell me, isn’t it true some of them should have been aborted in the planning stages? Sure it is.

A friend of mine told me a long time ago that he’d like to have a band that went everywhere with him, playing a theme song. He reasoned that if it worked in the movies, it should work in real life. This is the same logic that I was trying to apply to a reality show about my innards. Except that I think the whole theme song thing would work a lot better than my announcer. However, I could also see places where having a band constantly playing a theme would be problematic. The bathroom comes to mind, regardless of its use.

Some things just don’t need announcers and themes.